Isolation.

I am not a social person, stranger. As a matter of fact, i am on the verge of being characterised as quite an anti-social one. I never manage to spend some quality time when i find myself among many people. Maybe it's the stereotypical masquerade that irks me. As i conceive it, people tend to lose themselves when they flock somewhere in order to have a good time. This observation does not necessarily extend to a large scale. Someone has to look no further than an average sized company of four to five people, socializing in a coffee shop. You may hear laughter whereas i will hear hypocrisy. You may hear compliments. I will hear lies. You may hear tales of generosity. I will hear contemptuous pity. You may hear good-willed comments on other's lives. I will hear bitter gossiping.
Good morning, by the way.
I have been trying to track down the reason why i am so hard on people and i believe i have recently come to a conclusion; Friendship is seldom a selfless act. Infact, i firmly believe that friendship is in reality one of the most selfish feeling a person can feel nowadays. With a strict emphasis on the word "nowadays". Pure friendship is a virtue long gone from our world. But where are my manners, let me explain this to your conventional, ever adapting cheerful egoism. Our criteria of forming a friendship with someone, are usually things we admire about the said person. But here lies the controversy (almost a silent conspiracy if you ask me) in this;
Most adults will rarely openly admit that they admire someone for his/her qualities that pushed him/her to befriend the said person. Why, i hear you asking. Because, of course, we are always after what we lack and admitting to it will only hurt our egos. Let me give you an example in order to clarify things for you. I have a friend (oh, the irony).Let's name him Mr. X for now. Mr X's best friend is a very outgoing and social person. Me (and everyone else who knows Mr X) can clearly see that he is not so social, yet his best friend is the exact opposite. For all the time i have known Mr X, not once has he admitted that his social behaviour is lacking and yet, if someone observes him, he can easily tell that Mr X is trying to immitate his best friend's behaviour when he is among others. Why did Mr X choose to be with that person? To learn from him, to try and fool himself (and others) that he can also have his moment of glory and taste social approval. You may argue that Mr X is an isolated example, yet i could type and type and type until the end of the week about things i have observed on people i know and the friendships they form. I therefore believe my thesis is so strong, that it gives me the right to think this way. And yes, i do know people who seem to have pure friendships but most of the times these are people i have not bothered to observe better. Ergo, the usual guideline for a typical friendship nowadays is "Get what you need, and have some fun in the meantime. Try to act like everyone else and hide the small details that distinguish your personality and make you who you are, in order not to be called a weirdo." This is the only way to social approval and good, long, fake friendships. And as a final note, no, i didn't recently have a good friendship go bad nor am i hurt by a friend.
Back to me though. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't want to learn more about me, eh? Right. As i was saying, i prefer to be hated for what I am, rather than loved for something I am not. That's why very few people bother to get to know me better. Make no mistake though, i wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy my privacy, for i like to observe. And this hard earned privacy demands sacrifices. One of them, is being constantly glum and anti-social. Very few people will ever realise that my usual silence does indeed serve a purpose. It's not that I think i have nothing to say with them and it's certainly not that I look down on them. I just don't talk much because i only talk when i have something worthy to say.
However-and since i have made a promise to myself to be honest when writing in this blog- there is another side to this coin as well. This isolation has recently taken it's toll on me. During the last days, i have been feeling...lonely, to say the least. This is also one of the reasons i have not written here for some time now. I am feeling isolated and depressed. And since i tend to overanalyse things that happen in my life, i have already found one or two possible causes for it, which would however be stupid to share with you at this time, stranger. I know you want to hear the drama, not the solution to it.
I feel...exposed. It's as if the whole world has somehow found the way to rightfully judge me for my choices, my character and all i stand for in my life. I was not even given the chance to justify why i am like this. I see people who i thought cared about me, standing still and not helping me any more. I see people whose trustworthiness i would swear upon, silently moving away from me emotionally. I feel cold and alone. I finally feel like a true adult.

The path ahead.

Greetings from Skiathos, stranger. What is Skiathos, i hear you asking. It is a small island in Sporades, Greece. Your glum guy has been visiting this island for 5 years now.And no, it's not because i like it so much.There are certain circumstances which dictate me to be here once or twice per year, none of your business to be honest.And if you don't like my attitude, click the red "X" in the upper right corner of your browser.And yes, i am angry.I am angry because i am supposed to be on vacation, and still i keep thinking of worrying things.I visit the beach and instead of ordering a drink, i think about how different my life would be if, lets say, i had never decided to learn English.I swear, i have to stop thinking and relax some.If you have any ideas on how i can achieve that, feel free to tell ne.No, i won't type my email here, use the comment box, duh.
Anyway, back to the point.Just an hour ago, i was thinking of something worth sharing.Something big enough to keep a person busy for the rest of his life,yet small enough to fit in a 50 lines blogger post.
I was thinking of the path ahead,stranger, and how it slowly unfolds before our eyes during our daily lifes.Sometimes, this happens without us even noticing it.If you don't believe in fate, stop reading and go away,shoo.(Still a bit angry.)
During our life, there come times when we must make decisions based on some criteria which influence us at that time.Little do we realise what an important role these minor details have in our destination.For example,since i am still a bit angry as i said, i am going to be glum for the rest of the evening.This in turn may influence my girlfriend, who is going to spend her evening with me, which could lead to her feeling bad as well, and in turn her life may take a whole different course than the one it would have taken if i had decided to stop thinking about stupid things and just relax and sip my stupid drink at the beach.I have therefore concluded that we should be really careful about how we react to some things.Our smallest action contains a lurking reaction, which could alter a great deal of things,whether we know it or not.
Yet, there are some things that need to be done.We cannot avoid them.One of these things is national service.(military service).
I was never the one to be proud of my country, and therefore i can't say i am fond of the idea of military service.With that said, i tried to prolong the inevitable for as long as i could.However,i recently decided that the time has come for me to join the ranks as an infantry soldier, and that there was no point delaying it any longer.With that decision, i set my path for the next 8 months. Reactions followed suit from my relatives,friends,family,girlfriend.I couldn't care less about some of them,but for some of them,i knew that my decision would play a quite important role for their lives too.I took my time and pondered my decision in the long run.And a question arose.Are these people ready to follow MY path, based on MY decisions,whether they know it or not? I must be the judge of this unfortunately.It is a grim task, albeit a necessary one. The people who surround us should be ready to follow us, as we should be ready to follow them.Even if some sacrifices are involved.Mark my words stranger,when you decide it's time for a change in your life and before you set off to follow that path, do take a close look at the people that you think you trust. and would like to bring along to that path.They may have a different opinion and be unable to share it with you.

And just because i know you need a funny relevant picture...

Bad Habits.

Some things in life are just too addictive. You start doing them and you just can't stop. Most people have been part of an addiction at least once or twice in their life which they usually refer at as "a hobby". As long as you keep enjoying this hobby of yours, and as long as it doesn't cost you valuable time from your life, everything is fine. You kill some time, perhaps also have fun and possibly meet new people. But what happens when this hobby slowly begins to take up most of your time,and people near you begin to notice that you devote less and less time to them?
Things can get really ugly, I should know. I used to play a game,called World of Warcraft (WoW).You may or may not have heard of it stranger, odds are that you have.I began playing casually,but slowly while I was playing, I realized that there was some serious competition involved in that game.The more you were playing,the better your character would be. I am a competitive person by nature,stranger. I like being the best at what I do. These facts combined, I ended up spending more and more time in this game,ignoring many people in my life, such as my friends (those who had not yet succumbed to it already at least) and more importantly, my girlfriend Christine.I was addicted, it was functioning like a drug for me.All the attempts my relatives and family were making to wake me up, make me realize that it was just a waste of time playing 6-7 hours per day were in vain.All I was seeing were pixels in front of a computer screen changing shapes and colors.Yes, I did meet some worthy people in that game, even made some friends.But I almost stopped meeting Christine and hanging out with my friends.I was becoming an e-zombie,playing WoW all day. I was someone else in that game,someone i enjoying being.I was leading groups of adventurers into raiding a mythical monster's lair,instructing them and guiding them, and simultaneously losing my social life and money.I was so deeply addicted, that apart from the countless hours I would spend playing the game, I would often visit other sites and learn how to make WoW gold, or learn which the last piece of good equipment for my character was.
Four years I was playing that game. Looking back now, I want them back.But I know nobody can give them back to me. All I am left with are the experiences I had in game and at least some of them are quite nice, I might add. Maybe I was supposed to learn something from all these years. Move on, evaluate some things in life that are usually taken for granted.And I did.
After I stopped WoW and became semi-social again, I started appreciating the small joys of life a bit more, became more talkative and generally a happier person.I promised not to ever let a bad habit-or hobby for that matter- take over all my spare time again and instead divide this valuable gift in many different activities.If you have to learn something from this post,then here it is,stranger; Each thing in life has it's own value, and people tend to overestimate the value of some things.Weigh them carefully, and think twice before you become addicted with something.

You are messed up.

People have different reactions to various situations.
Some are straightforward and will respond to a given discussion with honesty,even if their reactions can be considered as blunt or even offensive by others.On the other hand, there are people who are more calm and who generally tend not to overreact or express their true emotions with ease.Such introvert people are rare nowadays, since modern society almost demands of us to stand up to our opinion and beliefs and never give ground to rejection and criticism.The same people are the ones who tend to be more sensitive and their feelings are usually prone to get hurt.You see, stranger, there is the silent but ever applicable law which governs our daily interactions; Newton's third law. "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction". People who talk back play fair and obey the rule.However, the latter aforementioned category of people, breaks the law.And breaking a law is punishable.Always has been, always will be.Ironically, the one who punishes these people, is no other than their own conscience.You see, there is a defense mechanism involved, whether we like it or not.Our mind will silently create an answer to any insult taken.Whether we decide to utter the words our mind created, is exclusively up to us.Take note though.These words have the bad habit of lingering inside our mind, haunting and tormenting us.
I have had my (more than fair) share of this torment throughout my life.I find many things in life to be futile, as you may have already noticed, but if there was a futility award, i would have to give it to arguing.Maybe it's just me, being set in my own ways and all.I tend to support my arguments passionately and sometimes this angers people, which in turn leads to me being insulted.But when this happens, and although i rarely find myself at a loss for words, i will just refuse to respond to the said insult and prefer to give the said person "the silent treatment".
Why i react like this, is honestly beyond me.The only certain thing is that this silence is later substituted by remorse and regret.Which only leads to more thoughts.And this would not be bad per se, but if you combine it with an already overburdened mind, things can easily get out of hand.I keep thinking and thinking, and i can't seem to stop.Maybe my mind is messed up.Maybe i am messed up.What do you say, stranger?You have read many things about me by now, you should be able to tell me.Go ahead, you can't possibly do me any more harm , it's not that i'll become a glum guy after all...

Living in the past.

Sometimes, you just have to let go. Valuable piece of advice, and you would do well to heed it,stranger.Good things are not meant to last forever. We keep repeating that to ourselves and yet every time we utter this phrase, we find it even more difficult to believe it. Few people can conform with the fact that happiness only exists in fleeting moments through our lives.Some of them, strive to relive these moments, mostly through their memories. But is this a good thing to pursue?
I wouldn't know.I have been doing it for so long now, that i have forgotten how it feels to live in the present, enjoy the moments as they come and not linger in the past.And as you may have already guessed, i once again felt the need to share my feelings with you. Your...anonymity does wonders to my shyness, stranger.I can virtually tell you anything about me, and not really care about whether you care or not.Back to the point though.A good question you could ask me if you could actually talk to me right now, would be "why do you keep living in your past"? My answer would be "Because it is far better than my present life". When i was a kid, i always thought i had it all sorted out; be born, study, work, die. With a little bit of romance, if you are lucky.However, when i grew up and started thinking a bit, reality suddenly slapped me. Years went by, and i was watching people change around me.They were becoming...uhm...adults. They were planning their future,moving ahead towards a semi-unknown destination.But in all their wisdom and careful planning, they forgot to hold on to one thing.Their purity. Success in life is rarely achieved by just being yourself, you almost always have to imitate or fake a different behavioral pattern, such as a fake smile, fake self confidence, fake sense of humor, fake interests and the list goes on and on...
I found that...repulsive,to say the least. I could hear my chaotic nature complaining, urging me violently not to become like these people, or the people they were trying to imitate, for that matter. And just like that, my life was turned upside down.If life's vicious circle involved studying, working and dying, by sacrificing a piece of your character, then yes, i knew better than that. I would cross the finish line following a different route.A detour, if you wish. I would get to keep my character, get to be me, even if that involved living in the past.Sure, some people would be annoyed, such as my family and friends.But if they enjoyed being with Bill in the first place, why would they want him to change anyway?
Up to this day, i still live happily in the past and enjoy doing things my way.This non-conventional lifestyle has made me realize loads of things i would otherwise not have been given the chance to come to terms with. It has helped me act as an observer, rather than an active participant in this life. And i have to admit i have come to cherish this role. It is quite rare for a given person, to live, act or think like me.Maybe this is not necessarily a good thing, but frankly, stranger, i don't give a shit. I still am who i always have been, unaltered by your cruel society.I live by my choices, even if these choices dictate not to have to make any due to the lack of "personal development", as most people falsely like to call it.I learned the rules,and ignored them.I seriously and genuinely wish that every person could do the same but i know it is not plausible.
For now, i shall stop here stranger.And who knows, stick around this website and i might just stop calling you that. :)

Growing Up.

It is said we all hide a kid inside us.Most people try to hide this kid in their daily lives.
With me, it is quite the opposite.
Oh, hello there stranger. Didn't see you coming.Do have a seat, i am in the beginning of my rant here.
Where was I? Ah,the kid. I have often caught myself wondering, how myself as a kid would react if i ran across me at this age. Would i like me? Would i become friends with me? I believe it is a question we should all answer sometime, for the kid inside us is worth an honest answer. But, back to me.You are here to read useless things about me that you will forget in an hour or so, remember?
If you expect to read that i have answered this question and that the answer was something along the lines of "Yeah i did have a conversation with the kid inside me and he liked what he saw, so i am a happy man" you could not be more wrong. Such things only happen in fairy tales stranger,and both you and me know that life definitely isn't one. Yes, i did talk with my kid.And if you must know what he told me...well...here it goes.

"Hello young Bill. As you may know, i am now 25 years old so it is time for you to just vanish from my life, become a dim memory of the past and eventually disappear altogether." I closed my eyes for a brief moment, waiting for him to vanish into thin air.
But not only did he stay there, staring at me with an angry look on his face,he also responded.
"I don't think so, grown up Bill." He said. "Us kids like to play games, and that is just what i shall do." He smiled. "I know we both liked to always do things our way, be different just for the sake of it, disagree just because we could, no matter how moot our arguments were.How about doing it one last time?"
I was tempted to hear what he had to say, yet afraid at the same time.Maybe he knew better.I let him continue.
"I think we should reverse roles.All adults try to hide the kids they have inside them, just like you try to do now.We are doing the opposite.I shall try to hide the adult inside a kid's character!"
For what it's worth, there is more to this story stranger. However, i have neither the time, nor the will to type it here-now.
Suffice to say, I was tempted. If you have been reading my blog you should know why. Leading a life based on a kid's mindset suddenly did not seem so immature.It was just a different way of thinking. Yes, there were drawbacks. Maybe also some communication issues with the people surrounding me. Perhaps some limitations on my daily activities would apply. Maybe i had to keep enjoying things a normal adult would not, or even refrain from visiting places an adult would, in order to spend some quality time. An alternate way of living. Originality. Isn't this what everyone strives for? There are many ways to achieve it,and one of them had manifested before me,inviting me to follow.
For those of you who want to know the end of the story, I promised young Bill that i would consider it, as i hesitantly walked away from him. But walking away from our problems tends not to be a permanent solution to anything...on the contrary, it only worsens a given situation. As you adults know.

Working and the meaning of life.

Have you ever played an RTS stranger? I guessed not. An RTS is a genre of video games in which the typical thing to do in order to win the game is have some "workers" gather resources, then use these resources in order to build better buildings, fighters and finally overcome your opponent.If you come to think of it it bears many similarities to...life.That's what we do.We begin life with 2 workers.The body and the brain.What most people do (or plan to do regardless of success), is use these 2 workers in order to gather resources (knowledge) and then use this knowledge to build buildings in turn, in order to overcome their opponents, with the word "opponents" being quite vague.Let me clarify that for you.In case you didn't know,our petty mind tends to make our short life a competition.A race if you will.This is not necessarilly bad per se, until the x-factor comes into play.It's the competitors that matter.And these competitors are our friends and neighbours.You see stranger, most people use their resources (knowledge which translates to money) to obtain better buildings and goods,just like an RTS.I think we can agree on that.Did i mention better? In order for the term "better" to exist there are two prerequisites."Good" and "Best".With "Good" being what our friends have/are.And with "Best" being what we soon opt to obtain.Do you catch my drift, stranger? It's a vicious circle.There is no "Best" and the sooner someone realises it, the more chances are he finds the true meaning of life.Someone could argue that you become better with good being no other than yourself but then again imagine you were alone in this world.Yup, you wake up one fine morning only to find out that earth has turned into a barren,desolate place and everyone except for you has dissappeared. Is there now any point in working and amassing money? You would suddenly turn to simpler things in life, like enjoying every single moment and trying to do what you were realy suppossed to do in the first place in this world, but were too busy working to look for it.You would not even begin to compare your material goods with anyone else's, for there would be noone to compare with.They would suddenly lose their value,you would suddenly feel empty.Do you see the relationship? You are only worth what they are worth.
Do not let working be the end, it should be the means to it.Completely avoid it if you can, i know i will.This will give you more time to think, and this will ultimately lead to a bettter you.You shall hence break the circle of "good-better-best", transforming it to a single line with you as a start, and the ideal you as a finish.Noone else involved.
Do not misunderstand me, i find working to be a necessary evil.Would we be able to survive without it? Probably not.Am i willing to give life without it a shot? Possibly.Have i found the meaning of life and what i am supposed to do with the time that has been granted to me? Definately.

The circle of trust.

Once again, as a human being, i feel the need to express myself.To make you think.And once again,life has taught me something i thought i could share with you.So, do try to bear with me for the next five minutes of your life which i will be oh so happy to waste.
The matter at hand is the circle of trust,our beloved people, friends,relatives,family.Some people were lucky enough to be born under the illusion of having many of them around.Others were smarter and promptly came to terms with the idea they actually had only two,best case scenario.When i grew old enough to think,i was under the impression only a bunch of people really cared about me.This idea slowly grew on me and as time passed, that feeling only got stronger.But the tides always seem to find a way to turn and just recently the Balance found a way to prove me wrong.And what a way it found! I will not go into details, i will just try to offer you the gist of my thoughts leaving you with the hard task of deciphering my words.(You should know by now that i take a twisted pleasure in doing this.)
Which are the criteria we use when we want to decide whether someone cares about us or not? Is it his attitude? Is it the kind acts he does for us? Is it his/her sense of humor? Or maybe it's a mixture of all these values....who knows?
I do. I am positive that you are thinking it's a combination of all the above.Well, i hate to break it to you stranger, but here's the tragic irony; Although you may believe that you are different (like everybody else :P) in reality the deciding factor on you calling someone a friend, is how much of a normal person he is, how rationally he reacts and responds in a given situation.And if the said person is the soul of the party, well you don't need to know anything else about him.Your struggle to add him to your circle of friends can begin.And i don't blame you.All we crazy people think everyone else is crazy, so we have to be careful not to interact with any crazy people by accident, lest we become crazy ourselves.Yeah.It's sad.So, let me tell you a secret.Try to get to know people who think you are out of your mind and criticize you all the time.Become their friend.For they have already done the first step to a good relationship.They have told you your flaws.They have been honest to you.In most cases,your best friend will never be so honest.And that is because he is your best friend and he knows you won't like it.No one likes criticism after all, it makes sense.
All in all, try to be with people who are aware of your flaws and have insulted you for them,have come to terms with them, and love you for them.For me, if someone can't predict when his words will anger me, or can't understand even my most paranoid needs, he is not really my friend.When someone tells me "don't do this, it is just not right" i die a little bit inside.Because i then know he doesn't know me so well.
Remember stranger, our individuality should never be compromised or be trifled with.The moment a friend doubts your actions, is the moment he should no longer be called a friend.A friend will bail you out of jail, but a GOOD friend will sit next to you in the cell's bench and say; "Dude we fucked up".

Your glum guy out.