Isolation.

I am not a social person, stranger. As a matter of fact, i am on the verge of being characterised as quite an anti-social one. I never manage to spend some quality time when i find myself among many people. Maybe it's the stereotypical masquerade that irks me. As i conceive it, people tend to lose themselves when they flock somewhere in order to have a good time. This observation does not necessarily extend to a large scale. Someone has to look no further than an average sized company of four to five people, socializing in a coffee shop. You may hear laughter whereas i will hear hypocrisy. You may hear compliments. I will hear lies. You may hear tales of generosity. I will hear contemptuous pity. You may hear good-willed comments on other's lives. I will hear bitter gossiping.
Good morning, by the way.
I have been trying to track down the reason why i am so hard on people and i believe i have recently come to a conclusion; Friendship is seldom a selfless act. Infact, i firmly believe that friendship is in reality one of the most selfish feeling a person can feel nowadays. With a strict emphasis on the word "nowadays". Pure friendship is a virtue long gone from our world. But where are my manners, let me explain this to your conventional, ever adapting cheerful egoism. Our criteria of forming a friendship with someone, are usually things we admire about the said person. But here lies the controversy (almost a silent conspiracy if you ask me) in this;
Most adults will rarely openly admit that they admire someone for his/her qualities that pushed him/her to befriend the said person. Why, i hear you asking. Because, of course, we are always after what we lack and admitting to it will only hurt our egos. Let me give you an example in order to clarify things for you. I have a friend (oh, the irony).Let's name him Mr. X for now. Mr X's best friend is a very outgoing and social person. Me (and everyone else who knows Mr X) can clearly see that he is not so social, yet his best friend is the exact opposite. For all the time i have known Mr X, not once has he admitted that his social behaviour is lacking and yet, if someone observes him, he can easily tell that Mr X is trying to immitate his best friend's behaviour when he is among others. Why did Mr X choose to be with that person? To learn from him, to try and fool himself (and others) that he can also have his moment of glory and taste social approval. You may argue that Mr X is an isolated example, yet i could type and type and type until the end of the week about things i have observed on people i know and the friendships they form. I therefore believe my thesis is so strong, that it gives me the right to think this way. And yes, i do know people who seem to have pure friendships but most of the times these are people i have not bothered to observe better. Ergo, the usual guideline for a typical friendship nowadays is "Get what you need, and have some fun in the meantime. Try to act like everyone else and hide the small details that distinguish your personality and make you who you are, in order not to be called a weirdo." This is the only way to social approval and good, long, fake friendships. And as a final note, no, i didn't recently have a good friendship go bad nor am i hurt by a friend.
Back to me though. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't want to learn more about me, eh? Right. As i was saying, i prefer to be hated for what I am, rather than loved for something I am not. That's why very few people bother to get to know me better. Make no mistake though, i wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy my privacy, for i like to observe. And this hard earned privacy demands sacrifices. One of them, is being constantly glum and anti-social. Very few people will ever realise that my usual silence does indeed serve a purpose. It's not that I think i have nothing to say with them and it's certainly not that I look down on them. I just don't talk much because i only talk when i have something worthy to say.
However-and since i have made a promise to myself to be honest when writing in this blog- there is another side to this coin as well. This isolation has recently taken it's toll on me. During the last days, i have been feeling...lonely, to say the least. This is also one of the reasons i have not written here for some time now. I am feeling isolated and depressed. And since i tend to overanalyse things that happen in my life, i have already found one or two possible causes for it, which would however be stupid to share with you at this time, stranger. I know you want to hear the drama, not the solution to it.
I feel...exposed. It's as if the whole world has somehow found the way to rightfully judge me for my choices, my character and all i stand for in my life. I was not even given the chance to justify why i am like this. I see people who i thought cared about me, standing still and not helping me any more. I see people whose trustworthiness i would swear upon, silently moving away from me emotionally. I feel cold and alone. I finally feel like a true adult.